Before I begin, eventually (unless it is already done) this blog will include a place to subscribe so these sporadic posts will hit your email if you desire.
What a week and a half this was.
What a weak-and-a-half, too.
Writing mostly every day was becoming therapeutic because I could sit in this quiet space, share raw thoughts and know I am loved, warts and all. Then almost two weeks ago, with a stack of changes in my physical body, a landslide of emotions opened, and I was buried in the avalanche. All vaguely stated to spare the blog from oversharing. Time will help me unpack it all.
But the hero of my day was in the form of a 1hr 55-minute Audible book by Jon Kabat-Zinn, “Mindfulness Meditation for Pain,” I got yesterday. I have not felt this calm in a long time.
By the way, I don’t mind comments, I’m just not ready to field them in a public forum. I still must get to know the editor within. Silly, in some ways, but important for me right now. If you wish to email your thoughts, I’ll do my best to answer. Please be aware that this very short blog often takes all free minutes (usually 2 hours) in the days I do write. A fact, not a complaint or excuse (unless I later discover I’m hiding behind the, ‘not enough time to respond’ claim (I’ve done worse). My email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Family and friends feel free to text.
In my phone appointment yesterday, with my primary care doctor (who champions for me like no body’s business) I got referred to the TMD department for my TMJ, the integrative health department for naturopath referral, and the call ended with me on in-home palliative care, at least while we see what the G.I. Dr. decides about feeding tube ideas.
Hospice is only about palliative care and I know I was not being issued any prognosis. It is just a way to deal with symptoms. Hearing ‘palliative care’ shook me harder than I expected. My heart is breaking. Words to describe all that help much less than inviting my grief to the party and be gentle about it. Must keep the role as a champion for my emotional growth.
This is the first my children, mom, siblings and extended family have heard about the palliative care. My apologies for the gauche, impersonal delivery method. Right now, I just need to sit with this. The palliative care is what it is, and we all are helpless in an empowered way. (That sounded okay in my head but looks completely weird when on the page. Can we be helpless and empowered about the same thing? Something tells me there is a nugget of truth when it comes to certain body changes; even old age, some illnesses and death.)
Weary. That is where I have been. I’ve thought this was a state to be trained to something more stable minded. But sometimes, weary happens. If I was with someone who was weary, I would do my best to hear them and sit with them in the weariness. And there are many beloved people who would sit with me in my weariness. Some of you already have. Many times.
Life is perfect the way it is. For awhile I lost track of that. What a delicious thing to find again. Forgetting an important message can sometimes be embarrassing, yet once the message comes home to roost again, it’s a deeper and richer message from the time lost by forgetting.
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